Football (Soccer) Stories

A couple in the middle of a messy divorce case find themselves in court battling over custody of little Johnny, their only child. In order to make a fair decision over the boys future, the Judge takes Johnny into his private chambers so that he can find out which of the parents the boy would prefer to live with.
"Well, Johnny" says the Judge, "Would you like to live with your Mother?"
"No" replied Johnny, "she hits me all the time"
"Well then," the Judge continues, "Would you like to live your your Father?"
"No" replied Johnny again, "He hits me all the time too!"
The Judge looks exasperated and says to the boy "Well Johnny, who would you like to live with?"
"I'd like to live with Watford Football Club" the boy replied quickly.
"Why on earth would you want to live with the Watford Football Club?" replied the now extremely puzzled Judge.
"Well" replied Johnny, "They never beat anyone"



Quasimodo is sat in his study and once again is feeling depressed about how ugly he is. Looking for some reassurance, he goes in search of Esmerelda. When he finds her he asks her once again if he really is the ugliest man alive.
Esmerelda sighs and says "Look, why don't you go upstairs and ask the magic mirror who is the ugliest man alive? The mirror will answer your question once and for all"
About five minutes later a very pleased looking Quasimodo bounced back back the stairs and gave Esmerelda a great big hug.
"Well it worked" Quasmido beamed, "But who on earth is Iain Dowie?"



Pat is appearing on the television quiz show 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'. He has already reached the £64,000 mark but he only has one lifeline left which is to phone a friend.
"You've done really well to get this far Pat" the quizmaster says, "the next question is worth £125,000 if you decide to play. Are you ready?"
"Sure" Pat nods.
"On screen is a photograph of a current Manchester United player as a small baby." the quizmaster continues, "The question is Pat, and don't forget this is for £125,000, which player is it?"
Pat looks at the picture on screen for a while and says "I'm pretty sure it's David Beckham... No, I'm sure it is... Can I phone a friend just to check?"
"OK" the quizmaster asks, "Who are going to phone?"
Pat answers and pretty soon the phone is ringing and his best friend Mick picks up at the other end. The quizmaster explains the situation to Mick and Pat asks him the same question.
Without any hesitation Mick replies "No, that's definately Peter Schmeichel"
Pat looks concerned now "Are you sure Mick, I'm convinced that it's David Beckham?"
"Definately" Mick replies.
"Well" the quizmaster continues, "You've used your lifeline, now I need your answer"
"OK" says Pat, looking nervous now, "But I'm sure it's David Beckham, that's my final answer... David Beckham."
"You had £64,000 Pat, If you're right you win £125,000, if you're wrong you leave us with the money you've got so far..." There's a tense drum roll and the music dips before the quizmaster speaks again
"Sorry Pat, you were wrong. Never mind, you've been a great contestant and you've won £64,000. Here's your cheque and thanks for playing."
As the audience start to applaud Pat asks, "What was the correct answer, it's killing me!"
The quizmaster replies, "Andy Cole."