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Letters From Barbie And Ken To The CEO Of Mattel
Chief Executive Officer
Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA
Dear Sir,
Listen you little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at
being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid
weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate
to break it to ya, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be
some changes around here this year, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide
meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my resolution/wish list:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt.
I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits
gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro
crawling up your bottom?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What
bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my
skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that
wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken. And what's with that earring
anyway?
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away
once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist,
just get it done.
6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How
about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!
8. A new, more modern persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a
miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of
chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with
a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a
removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.
Ok, Mr CEO, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I
don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can
find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
Dreamhouse
Malibu, CA
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Ken's Letter To The CEO:
Dear Sir,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her
contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In
addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about
me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to
take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie,
and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other collegues feel Barbie DOES NOT
deserve preferential treatment - the woman has everything. I, along with
Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, Corvette, evening
gowns, and in some cases the ablility to change our hair style. I
personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great
length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my
decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I too would like a change in
my career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken",
or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"?
In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such
as: "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These
would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets.
And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need
bendable knees so I can kick her to the curb. In closing, I would like to
point out that any further concessions to the blonde bimbo from hell will
result in action being taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget
about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.
Sincerely,
Ken
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