Job Descriptions

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of
nothing.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that
decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
(Laurence J. Peter)

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the
wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and
wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
(Mark Twain)

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the
time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you
will look forward to the trip.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted
yesterday didn't happen today.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a
"brief".
(Franz Kafka)

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which
isn't there.
(Charles R. Darwin)

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a
way you don't understand.

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl
enters the room.

A schoolteacher a is disillusioned woman who used to think she liked
children.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality
to be an accountant.

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup
and a doughnut.