Seven Deadly Sins For Windows

(c) Dave Hemming Aug 1997.
May be circulated electronically providing attribution is retained.
Not to be physically circulated without my prior consent.

THE CATHOLIC CHURCH
(A WHOLLY-OWNED SUBSIDIARY OF MICROSOFT PLC)
PRESENTS

--- THE ---
--- SEVEN ---
--- DEADLY SINS ---
--- FOR WINDOWS95 ---

Announcing the launch of the latest version of SDS95, a 32-bit application
specifically designed to take advantage of the WINDOWS '95 operating system.
With this unique utility, you can now experience the thrills and the guilt
of violating your sacred covenant with God without ever leaving your swivel
chair!

Just look at these features:

GLUTTONY: Gasp in awe as this module occupies all available memory, creates
a swap file using all free disk space, then crashes with an out of memory
error!

ENVY: Be the envy of all your PC-owning friends for your cutting-edge
operating system, while secretly envying your friends with Macs!

SLOTH: This feature has been enhanced and updated from previous versions,
and will now slow down your computer by a further 20%! Plus, with the new
TaskEvaluator(tm), many more complex tasks can be given up on halfway
through!

PRIDE: You'll never have seen anything like the opening thirty screens of
this product! Over fifteen minutes of animated Microsoft(tm) and SDS95(tm)
logos interacting on screen! A complete list of all who worked on the
project scrolls repeatedly across the bottom of the screen! Every major
award we could buy the panel of is listed! You'll want to see it again and
again -- which is fine, because it can't be turned off!

GREED: Due to the complex nature of this product, it may periodically refuse
to run unless you purchase an upgrade. Common demands are for more disk
space, more RAM, more graphics memory or a faster processor. We recommend
opening an account with your local dealer.

ANGER: If you thought our Support Hotline was bad before, just wait till you
experience our new features!
* Even more annoying on-hold music! Work yourself into a coronary as "Tie
a Yellow Ribbon" for Doorbell and Stylophone repeats for the seventh
time!
* Fully circular problem forwarding! Your call will be passed from
department to department, returning to its starting point without ever
repeating an excuse, or saying something credible!
* New VoiceTone system! Sophisticated telecommunications advances allow us
to inject a subtle note of derision into the voices of even our most
helpful operators!

LUST: Due to an overrun on the development schedule, this feature has had to
be held back to a future release. We've got it here in the office, though,
and boy is it hot!!! This feature will currently refer you back to ANGER
and ENVY.

SDS95, developed by The Catholic Church to the exacting standards of the
Microsoft Organisation, with the assistance of David Hemming.