You Might Be An ER Physician If...

You believe 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm.
Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
You believe a good tape job will fix anything.
You have the bladder capacity of five normal people.
You can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio.
Your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change.
You find humor in other people's stupidity.
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see.
You have your weekends off planned a year in advance.
When a patient presents with a list of medicine allergies you automatically
assume they are a drug seeker or a patient of Dr. Solotkin.
Your idea of comforting a child is to place them in a papoose restraint.
You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA so you don't have to deal
with them any longer.
You believe that "Shallow Gene Pool" should be a diagnosis.
You believe the gov't should require a permit to reproduce.
You plan your dinner while performing gastric lavage.
You believe that "Ask-A-Nurse" is an evil plot thought up by Satan.
You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if the phrase "Wow, it's
really quiet" us uttered.
You refer to Friday as "Dump Day".
Your diet consists of food that has undergone more processing than most
computers.
You believe chocolate is a food group.
When someone calls you a bastard, you take it as a compliment.
When you are out in public you compliment a complete stranger on their good
veins.
You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care
Unit".
You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate.
You have ever referred to someones death as a "Celestial Discharge".
You have ever answered a "lost condom" phone call (See "Ask-A-Nurse" above.)
You refer to someone in respiratory distress as a "Smurf".
Your idea of a really good time is Duelling Shock Rooms.
You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide... Getting it
right".
You believe that "Too Stupid to Live" should be a diagnosis.
You have ever had to leave a patient's room before you began laughing
uncontrollably.