Funny Religious Quotes

"Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife."
James H. Kabbler III.



"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off."
Stephen King.



"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?"
Woody Allen.



"If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?"
Art Hoppe.



"My mother said to me, "If you are a soldier, you will become a general. If you are a monk, you will become the Pope." Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso."
Pablo Picasso.



"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me."
Woody Allen.



"A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials."
Ronald Knox.



"Not only is there no Go, but you try getting a plumber at weekends."
Woody Allen.



"As God once said, and I think rightly..."
Margaret Thatcher.



"Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn."
Fulton Sheen.